Shifting

Can't believe 2018 is basically over. I keep trying to hold onto my memories and thoughts from this year, but everything is blurring together. Like a mess of water colors, everything keeps overlapping into the other and distorting the images.

 Every time I start to slow down and appreciate something, it disappears. I guess that's just how life works.

I ran a lot this year, and I mean that figuratively. I spent most of this year and last year bouncing back and forth between home and my best friend's house. It was an attempt to get some traction in my life and it didn't really work. I keep trying to be normal and do the things that I know are expected of people my age. I just end up miserable and depressed when I try. I know the smart thing would be to stop and just allow myself to do things differently. The perfectionist side of me sees that as a cop out. As giving up on myself.

I know it's not, but fighting yourself is harder then you think. I want to be that person who doesn't live their life to make other people happy, but I always seem to end up doing that or at the very least trying to do that. It's frustrating. I'm learning, but it's a huge curve.

I hope I've learned my lesson. I hope I can start being more genuine in every area of my life. I used to water myself down a lot, so I didn't offend anyone. I hid parts of myself, the sharper edges and such. My sister says she likes this messier, more human side of me that I've stopped trying to hide. She said she hated how I always used to try to be so perfect. We're closer than we've ever been I think, since I dropped the act.

Sorry to get so introspective, I like to constantly reflect. It helps me improve on those things. I always find myself doing that at the end of each year. I like to evaluate myself and figure out where my state of mind is at.

To be honest I don't really know. I had a good year. There were moments of course, but there were less of them.

I focused on what I loved this year. God, art, music, writing, and family. I probably need to focus a bit more on God, but I'm a constant work in progress. Life is messy it's...

Having a shared mental breakdown with your best friend on the kitchen floor.

Finding out your story won and is getting published cue lots of crying and confetti! (Still reeling from this one) 

Going to a corn maze with another best friend and running around breathless on a perfect fall night (I actually went twice, and both times were awesome) 

Getting paint everywhere, because I'm anything but a neat artist. 

Calling 911 with my sister because I thought someone was breaking in. Turned out to be our Dad pranking us.

Failing my driver's test in the first 5 minutes (has to be a record.)

Watching The Quiet Place with my mom, sister, and a friend. (Said friend ended up falling on me twice because he was so scared)

Watching 'To all the Boys I loved Before' by myself  and crying all over my friends dogs for no reason.

Having a mental break down with my best friend before Nano started. 

Winning Nano!

Fell over racing to the car to get Thai food and broke my phone ( I love Thai food)

My Dad managed to get me another phone, which made me forgive him for all the broken phone jokes (especially the ' I like that your broken, broken like me' comment)

Lots of road trips and singing in the car

Having a sleep over with one of my best friends, watching the Greatest Showman and talking about our books for hours.

I got reviews, book reviews and I have still not recovered.

I gained some new writer friends, *waves at Katie and Niki*

Katie awarded Cynfael and My Queen respectively Best Sass Master and Best Villain to Hate. I screamed, they are both quite pleased. Katie is the best!

Faith  also gave me an amazing review and said my story was her favorite. I may have cried... She's awesome!

Then there were my amazing advanced readers, Tracey, Christine, Deborah, and Ashley You guys all mean the absolute world to me. You've been there since the beginning and you have all encouraged and inspired me in some way.  Your reviews rendered me speechless, and I will definitely repay the favor when all of you get published. I've read all of your guy's writing and I  know, it's going to be soon. ( I think I'm going to be doing a shout out post, to thank all the people who left reviews)

 How could I forget the Facebook launch party for Five Poisoned Apples, thank you to everyone who came. It was amazing.

I can't even begin to try to sum up this year. It was a good one. I fulfilled two of my huge goals. I got published, and I sold art. Both of those were really big deals to me. 2019 is the year I'm going to fully invest myself into turning writing and painting into a legit job for myself. It's all I want to do, so with a lot of prayer and hard work I think I can do it.

My sister and I are planning our 2019 glow up, let's hope we can make that happen.

I think I will do a separate post to talk about all the books, movies, music, and tv I was engrossed with. There is just too much to mention here.

My  word for last year was shifting, I was in a constant state of change. I'm beyond grateful for all of it.

Happy New Years, Everyone!