"Let's do Get Help" (My mental health journey)

Yesterday went something like this. With my mom in Thor's place oddly enough.

I think I mentioned in a post sometime last year that I was going to go to a doctor about my anxiety. I didn't. I procrastinated the hell out of it. Which is how I usually do things. Yesterday, that changed. I've been suffering not just with anxiety, but chronic back pain. Also some ear and nasal problems, that I sincerely hope is just a really bad sinus infection. And some other smaller issues for way over a year now.

I hadn't been to the doctor in a couple years, thanks to the aforementioned anxiety. I don't tend to go unless I'm actually dying. I wish that was me being dramatic, but the only times I seem to go is when I've gone into anaphylactic shock so there's that. Scary right, so even if I'm in pain. I just deal with it and hope it goes away. This time it didn't and my anxiety was even worse because of this.

This might of continued, if I didn't stumble across a note a wrote to myself. It basically said that my number one priority was to get healthy this year. That's it, just get healthy.

It stunned me, because it made me realize how unhealthy I am. Not to mention all the things I've been putting my body through. I'm one of those people who pushes myself to my limits to do something, but then forgets to take a break afterwards and plunges right back into something else.

It's taken me a long time to realize I'm not a robot, my body is breaking down. All I ever seem to do is put tape on it and keep going. Which has only made things worse. Physically and mentally, I've withdrawn from life. I hide myself in books, art, and media. Blame my reclusiveness on my anxiety instead of trying to improve it. It's easier to let it all go, to let yourself go.

I don't want to do that anymore, and yesterday I decided I was going to do something about this. I want to get better, but I needed help. Luckily, my mom, who has been trying to get me to go in for awhile now. Dropped everything when I asked if she would take me, she knows my anxiety is bad. So it's best to do something while I am still willing to do it.

My mom is the best. She agreed to come in with me. Which for the record, I'm fine talking to doctors even with my anxiety. The last time I went in  though, I completely forgot to mention something that would have probably helped my diagnoses, so I needed her for the details and moral support. So if your in your twenties and you still need someone to come with you, don't feel bad.

Having her there made this whole experience a lot better. I was embarrassed to go there with so many issues. I only wanted to mention one, but my mom said I should get it all done in one go, because who knew when I would go back in. Which was a pretty good argument.

So I told him everything. I really like this doctor, he's a Christian and knows my family pretty well. He put me at ease about everything. Most of the stuff that I thought was really serious ended up being okay. The back problem, ended up being a pulled muscle. So now I know what to do for that.

I'm going to be getting an x-ray this week for the sinus issue, fingers crossed that it's nothing serious.

The best thing he did, and the one that was the hardest for me to talk about was my anxiety. Luckily, my mom stepped in, and told him about it for me. Because I tend to downplay it, or excuse it. It was hard to hear some of it, because I don't think I even realized how bad it had gotten. It's weird to hear about yourself from someone else's prospective. Especially someone who is worried and cares about you.

I'll admit I almost broke down in that office. I  think I finally realized how much my parents have been trying to help me, and me being the stubborn idiot that I am. I kept playing tough. I thought I could handle it.

 I kept saying I didn't need help. I think that was the hardest part for me, realizing that I did. That if my mom hadn't helped me. I would never have told him anything. I would have just kept suffering in silence.

He gave me a sheet to fill out, and I'm going back in two weeks to go over the results. He also told me to download the app, Mind shift. It has a lot of information about anxiety and tips for how to deal with it. (It's free, if any of you are struggling with this too.)

These might seem like small things, but I took the first step. The first step is usually the hardest.

I'm not sure if  you guys are interested in this or not. But I wanted to share it, your health is important. Sometimes you have to ask for help. Even if it's the last thing you want to do.

Another quick note, I'm going on a screen break for a week. I have an eye appointment coming up, and I have strained and super dry eyes. So I thought I would try to do something about it.
Pray that it goes well.