Barely Human

"March was fun!" I say, sitting in the aftermath of the explosion that is my life.

I don't seem to be alone in this. Everyone I know seems to have had not the best month, so I won't harp too much about it. It could have been worse, it always can be I guess.

I didn't get much accomplished. And that sent me into somewhat of a negative spiral. It's sad that I'm starting to be more used to that state of being. There are days when my destructive self seems to be my only self. I'm losing my optimistic side and it makes me sad. It does make me try a bit harder to be happy, and to sustain it. So that is the bright side to that.

I don't think I've wanted to be healthy this badly before. There was a time when I thought being broken was poetic or something, and it was useful for art. That ship has flipping sailed. I want to get better. I feel like I've been screaming that at myself, but habits are hard to break. Especially the destructive ones.

Recovery is so much harder than it looks. The setbacks are a constant and relentless companion. It's hard to explain it to people on the outside. Even my parents are having a hard time understanding my constant downs. I understand their frustration, because I'm dealing with it too.

A lot of my frustration come from misunderstanding. Lately it seems like I have a hard time expressing and explaining myself. It's caused a lot of tension between my family and I, and all of these things mixed together just made for an awful mental state.

All of that being said. I am doing good right now. Really good actually, I can feel all of the negative stuff sliding off, and I'm ready to throw myself back into everything with a vengeance.


Writing and Realm Makers

Writing has been sitting on the sidelines for far too long. I really want to get a manuscript written up so that I have something to pitch at Realm Makers.

I am going officially and the idea has me both elated and terrified! I still need to get a passport, book tickets, and the hotel. All of these things are stressing me out a bit, but it's going to be fine.

I am beyond excited to meet those of you who are going! At the same time I want to apologize if I am awkward or weirder than you are expecting. *hides*

If any of you have tips for writing conferences, I'm desperate.

I really want to dive back into Fool's Bet and flesh it out, but Bleeding Roses has also regained my attention for whatever reason, so we'll see what happens.

I did rework the beginning of Fool's Bet, so I actually have a snippet to share.

Anything can be bought.

That was the one thing my family sought to teach me.  It was the reoccurring lesson for myself and anyone else that became entangled with them.

 Anything.

So much more than just property. Loyalties, lives, and wishes. The most arcane things, but the most pertinent of them all was power. And it was something they held in spades. 

I'm excited to explore the fae politics.


Art

Art has been slowly taking over my life. Not that I'm complaining. Art is one of the few things that gives me pure happiness. I started watching a lot of videos about different techniques, mediums, and styles. I hit a point where I no longer want to do fan art. Not that I'm going to stop completely, I love doing fanart. I just want to find my own style and start concentrating on originals.

I've felt directionless in my art for a long time. I finally have some ideas and concepts I want to work on so we'll see what happens.

A few really awesome things happened this month with some of my drawings. I'm sorry for always sharing stuff like this, it's just really exciting to me. Might sound stupid to someone else, so sorry.

Allison freaking Hargreeves shared my art!!! I may have died. I did actually!

And a few weeks before that, another show I was watching wrapped up their first season. So I drew this picture.

Taylor shared it and liked it! Liam also saw it and liked it. I love both of them, so I freaked out of course. It's such a weird and awesome feeling when the people that your drawing see it. It's just amazing.

And despite Instagram being one of the most fickle social media sites I have ever used. I got to 600 followers this month. Might not stay there I can lose between 2-10 followers a day. I don't actually care about the numbers, it's just a way of keeping track of how much work I'm putting into my art.

I want to try to fix up my account and be more professional, but that requires a lot of work. I do want to possibly make a job out of this. So we'll see I guess. There is always a lot I want to do, but my plans always seem to fall apart.

Things 

Stranger Things dropped the Season 3 trailer and I am in love already. The amount of fanart I want to do for it is ridiculous. I am living for the 80's aesthetic.

Also excited for Endgame and Cobra Kai, and the third John Wick movie. There is probably a lot more that I'm forgetting.

Ashley did an Avenger tag and put Cynfael in under Loki's category. I am extremely happy about it!!!

I ate a lot of great food this month, favorites are pad thai and cinnamon cloud macchiato's. The latter is actually like drinking a cloud.

Elizabeth came for a visit and gave me my first themed gift. I didn't get a picture of it all together, but she went all out and it was amazing!!! (The Raven necklace is my new favorite thing) I adore her!

It's been an interesting month. A bit of good and bad.
How was yours?