To All The Girls I Was Before

I turn twenty-four tomorrow people, and I have no idea how I feel about that besides.

I've wanted to write a letter to my younger self, but I could never decide which age. So why not all of them. I change so much every year that you'd think I have a personality disorder. I don't, I think...


This is going to be a mess.


Dear Me,

I feel like you will be a bit disappointed with how we turned out.

By circumstances and situations no one could have foreseen, you grew into a nerd. Note the heavy sarcasm. I think what's scary about this, is that you're proud of this fact. Your favorite place is a bookstore, especially one that plays hipster music and has a Starbucks inside. You're more comfortable around books then people, no matter how much you tried to fight that when you were eighteen.

You're chasing an artist's life which is ironic, because you never wanted that card when you played Life. It meant you would't win the game and had a low income. Well surprise, it's all you can see yourself doing now. But since when have you ever played by the rules.

You live through ink, paper, and photographs. You let people talk down to you about that, don't.

You never become graceful or charming. You're awkward, goofy, and spit when you talk. You try to hide this by being quiet and shy when you first meet people. You repress yourself and it's a hell of a habit to break. This leads to insecurities, you have a lot. Still working on them, but you don't hate yourself anymore.

You let anxiety hold you back, you quit music, you give up on driving, and for a bit you give up on yourself. You get through it. You can't really get rid of anxiety, but you can fight it. And you will, some days it wins, but don't stop. Don't you dare quit.

You didn't become a published author by 16, try 23  but you still did it.

Mom and Dad are still together despite it all, held together with duct tape, bubblegum, and endless prayers. The fractures are there, but it's not your job to seal them. You keep your faith, and believe me that's all that matters.

You're figuring it out, who you are, your art and writing style. It's a messy process, but it's starting to show promise. You hid who you were away for so long, that when you finally do show bits of yourself some people don't like it and leave, let them. You're still learning.

You change a lot, you become cynical and jaded and certain words fall out of your mouth that would make younger you cringe, that's okay. You learn to laugh about things, and that dark sense of humor gets you through a lot. So does sing-screaming Fall Out Boy in the car.

You're a bit of an oxymoron. Younger you probably won't believe it, but you start liking pink again, romantic comedies, and girly things like makeup and boys. Don't worry you still love black, smudged eyeliner, zombies, and emo music. You roll your eyes about stereotypes now, and all the stupid things you used to think. How you used to try so hard to be different from every girl you knew.

You start not to care what people think of you, and you don't try to convince them of anything anymore. This is a good thing, don't water yourself down.

You learn to embrace the things you love and not hide them because someone might judge you.

Life hits you hard, and everything is a struggle. Growing up is a lot more complicated then people let on. Being in your 20's is weird, because you don't feel like you know what you are doing, or that you changed at all. Then you spend time with people who are teens, and you can see it. The ways you grew and changed. The perspective changes, but I'm still not sure you will ever really grow up. Not really.

You learn to pick yourself up, everyone is fighting through something and sometimes you gotta shoot up a prayer and handle it. You're stronger than you think.

Scream, sing, dance, pray.

We're figuring it out darling.

Love,

Your over-caffeinated self.

My Aunt made me a Loki cake, isn't it beautiful!