To All The Girls I Was Before

I turn twenty-four tomorrow people, and I have no idea how I feel about that besides.

I've wanted to write a letter to my younger self, but I could never decide which age. So why not all of them. I change so much every year that you'd think I have a personality disorder. I don't, I think...


This is going to be a mess.


Dear Me,

I feel like you will be a bit disappointed with how we turned out.

By circumstances and situations no one could have foreseen, you grew into a nerd. Note the heavy sarcasm. I think what's scary about this, is that you're proud of this fact. Your favorite place is a bookstore, especially one that plays hipster music and has a Starbucks inside. You're more comfortable around books then people, no matter how much you tried to fight that when you were eighteen.

You're chasing an artist's life which is ironic, because you never wanted that card when you played Life. It meant you would't win the game and had a low income. Well surprise, it's all you can see yourself doing now. But since when have you ever played by the rules.

You live through ink, paper, and photographs. You let people talk down to you about that, don't.

You never become graceful or charming. You're awkward, goofy, and spit when you talk. You try to hide this by being quiet and shy when you first meet people. You repress yourself and it's a hell of a habit to break. This leads to insecurities, you have a lot. Still working on them, but you don't hate yourself anymore.

You let anxiety hold you back, you quit music, you give up on driving, and for a bit you give up on yourself. You get through it. You can't really get rid of anxiety, but you can fight it. And you will, some days it wins, but don't stop. Don't you dare quit.

You didn't become a published author by 16, try 23  but you still did it.

Mom and Dad are still together despite it all, held together with duct tape, bubblegum, and endless prayers. The fractures are there, but it's not your job to seal them. You keep your faith, and believe me that's all that matters.

You're figuring it out, who you are, your art and writing style. It's a messy process, but it's starting to show promise. You hid who you were away for so long, that when you finally do show bits of yourself some people don't like it and leave, let them. You're still learning.

You change a lot, you become cynical and jaded and certain words fall out of your mouth that would make younger you cringe, that's okay. You learn to laugh about things, and that dark sense of humor gets you through a lot. So does sing-screaming Fall Out Boy in the car.

You're a bit of an oxymoron. Younger you probably won't believe it, but you start liking pink again, romantic comedies, and girly things like makeup and boys. Don't worry you still love black, smudged eyeliner, zombies, and emo music. You roll your eyes about stereotypes now, and all the stupid things you used to think. How you used to try so hard to be different from every girl you knew.

You start not to care what people think of you, and you don't try to convince them of anything anymore. This is a good thing, don't water yourself down.

You learn to embrace the things you love and not hide them because someone might judge you.

Life hits you hard, and everything is a struggle. Growing up is a lot more complicated then people let on. Being in your 20's is weird, because you don't feel like you know what you are doing, or that you changed at all. Then you spend time with people who are teens, and you can see it. The ways you grew and changed. The perspective changes, but I'm still not sure you will ever really grow up. Not really.

You learn to pick yourself up, everyone is fighting through something and sometimes you gotta shoot up a prayer and handle it. You're stronger than you think.

Scream, sing, dance, pray.

We're figuring it out darling.

Love,

Your over-caffeinated self.

My Aunt made me a Loki cake, isn't it beautiful!

The Update No One Asked For

I'm in a weird head space right now. Trying to sort through my thoughts, or at least make them comprehensive has been really hard. All is well on the blogging front so far. The switch seems to have worked!

I guess I should update you guys on everything else. I actually did take a break these last couple months. Well on some things.

I finished my first batch of edits!

That was such an incredible feeling, they were more difficult than I thought they would be. I was not prepared for the emotional and mental effort that was required.

So after that was done, I celebrated by reading Caraval!  It was so goood and magical! I'm in love with Legend who hasn't really had an appearance yet. I'm weird... I think I'll write a review for it in the near future. It was nice to loose myself in someone else's story for awhile, and it was nice to have something to look forward to. I think I'm going to do that with every task I have to do now.

I also ordered myself some more books. Like I don't already have 300 on my shelf.

I've started The Screaming Staircase, I already need the rest of the books this series is fabulous.

I also read The Sherwood Ring and reread Cruel Beauty, reviews to come.

On to other life-related things

Rachel Kovaciny who I owe my Five Poisoned Apples win to. Is one of the nicest and most encouraging people I've met in a while. She helped me with my edits, gave me the push I needed to finish and even sent me these lovely postcards to give me inspiration from my story. You're awesome Rachel and I really appreciate all your help.

 
I've been doing lots of art. I did my first art commission, but I hated it so your not getting a picture.
I started painting my characters. There all going to be collages. I'm doing Chayse, Cynfael, Snow, and the Queen. It's a way to keep me invested in the story that doesn't involve writing.

First time using oil paints so go easy, and it's not even close to done.

I want to start doing character commissions for people, but I don't know if anyone is even interested in that. *shrug*

I've been watching so many shows, The Mentalist, Psych, Last Man Standing.... I could go on. I might do a post on The Mentalist when I finish it, I have emotions to share...

I've been listening to so much moody, indie music. Hello Billie Eilish, Matt Maeson, Kodaline.
Also NF is killing it, and Twenty One Pilots came back!

I started Driver's Ed, I know I'm 23. Driving has always given me huge anxiety, I am hoping to finally get my license for my 24th birthday.

I've been adulting a lot lately guys, be proud.

I've been planning book related things, like querying and sequels. I outlined Fool's Bet, which is something I never do. (My writing is horrible I know)

That's on hold for now, because I've started my second round of revisions on Falling Snow. I'm liking the new bits Anne wanted me to add. It's going to be even better.  Anne  has been so understanding through this whole process, I'm very protective of my baby. She calms all my fears and answers all my frantic emails. I appreciate her so much! I wouldn't want to work with anyone else.

So for anyone who has read it, there has been a lot of changes and additions. It might surprise you.

I'm a frantic ball of energy right now. With looming deadlines, and a to do list that is way too long.

Art is Pain

I'm going to preface this post, by telling you guys I plan on taking a break. I need one, I have spread myself too thin and I want to simplify my life for a bit. I'm almost through with my edits on 'Falling Snow.' I can't wait until I can say I'm done them. I'm very close.

I think I'm going to try and enjoy my summer and not push myself to do a million things. Maybe I'll read some books, make some art. I'll probably still be around, just won't be posting.

I've been watching a lot of inspiring movies lately. Trying to stay inspired to work on my story mostly.

One that really inspired me was 'I Can Only Imagine'

It's such a sad and inspiring story and really shows how God can make beauty out of our pain. It really touched me. It's about dreams and I suggest anyone who has had one to watch it. It's also a true story so that just makes it a 100% better.

One of the things it really got me thinking about was how pain plays such a big role in art. The things that touch and resonate with people are usually emotionally based and come from our vulnerabilities, fears, and insecurities. At some point in this movie, the main character is told he needs to put more emotion into his music and be more authentic, if he wants to stand apart. The song that gets him noticed comes after he goes through something incredibly painful. The song itself is beautiful and touches so many people.

This got me wondering how many successful books, movies, music, and art all had similar origins. We don't always get to hear the story behind these things and I'm inclined to think that a lot of people drew on their pain when they crafted their pieces.

I made this assumption based on personal experience. The only bit of success I've gained with writing so far. Was with a story I wrote while struggling with a lot of personal issues and demons. I was in pain a lot of pain. And I poured that into a short story that I didn't think had a chance at reaching the second round. I used it to tell a story, one that ended up getting noticed. One that will hopefully resonate with people. I guess my point is, you can craft your darkness and pain into a tool. You can use your pain. God uses your pain.

 Maybe not everyone will get that from it. (I'm actually hoping most won't). I hate being vulnerable and I hate people seeing behind my mask. At the same time, I want to help people dealing with the same things. I want them to know they aren't alone.

The main point I'm trying to make is.

Use it, use your pain.

Creative Exhaustion and Other Atrocities

I have been trying to write a post all week. Nothing, I've got nothing. I didn't know it was possible, but I think I have finally exhausted my creative resources. Maybe I just need some sleep, or to let myself breathe for a minute. I'm not very good at that, I am constantly told I need to relax.

Ahem....

So I might be a little uptight. I am anxiously awaiting my edits from Rooglewood Press, I am both excited and scared. I reread my story, well skimmed it. I can't seem to see past the flaws, so I'm happy I will be getting professional editing help with it.

I also found out that I'm allowed to continue using my characters and world in other stories. I had already started a sequel for it, Fool's Bet. So I got this great idea to try and finish the first draft before 'Falling Snow' is published, so I can release it shortly after it.

After doing the math, I decided that 500 words a day would suffice. I know, 500 words is nothing to most of you. I am, however, an inconsistent writer, or maybe I should say a very particular one. I overthink every line to death, erase, and rewrite as I go along. My first drafts are more like most people's second drafts.

I'm a perfectionist, so nine days of five hundred words has worn me out. I also can't read anything I've written, because it's awful. I'm not even being modest.

I'm going to share the parts I like, which is maybe five sentences.

As my teeth pierced my gums, the sharp tang of fresh blood hit my tongue. This was the last time he would make me bleed.- Cynfael

Cigarette smoke added to the mix, every dwarf seemed to have one dangling from their mouth.  For a moment I could pretend nothing had changed. It was just another night. Snow would be practicing on the high wire, and I would watch her dance across it. Thinking things I had no business to.-Chayse

He was a razor blade, sharp and alluring. To touch him was to accept the risk of getting cut. I was already bleeding.-Snow

So I've been writing. Which is a good thing I guess, but I've seemed to forgotten how. I think it's insecurity. After this contest was over, people started saying how they couldn't wait to read my story which was and is amazing. It's everything I've always wanted! I'm incredibly grateful, you have no idea.

But, there is this small voice telling me that maybe I don't deserve it. My story isn't good enough. I know it's stupid, but it doesn't stop me from thinking it. It's showing in my writing, I'm starting to doubt myself. No one gets it, they expect me to be over the moon. Which I am! 

Self doubt is a hard beast to fight. 

 That basically catches you up. I've been doing a lot of praying and work lately. I always used to be hesitant to call my writing and art work, but it is. It's mentally draining and I wish more people realized that. 

I promise to have a more coherent and interesting post next week. 

  

Self Care

I don't think I'm qualified to write this post. Just thought I would get that out of the way.

I tend to live my life in extremes. I am either doing everything or nothing. For example, I either keep up with emails, blogs, and commitments. Or I let everything build up to a crazy degree and sit staring at everything piling up and I'm unable to do a thing.
I get up at 7:00 am, exercise, hydrate, and eat healthy, or I spiral into a state of  immobility, eating junk, and watching obscure youtube videos.

 I have a balance problem. I work with constant chaos and sometimes it consumes me. Another aspect of this is I tend to overreach myself. I take on way too many things at once. I pile things up until I'm crushed by it and then nothing gets done, and the depression sweeps in.

This is my typical life cycle, and it's getting tedious. That's understating it a bit, it's killing me actually.

This year, I decided I would start to work on fixing this problem. Or at the very least try to figure out why I did this to myself.

I'm an Empath, I feel deeply for other people. I take on their problems, pain, and even their emotions. This is a good thing, because I understand people on a deep level. It's a bad thing, because I forget I have my own emotions and problems. I put myself last, which I don't think is a bad thing. I like helping people.

I just need to remember to take care of myself too

There is a huge difference between self care and self love. I think this generation is too self centered, so I'm not into the whole 'love yourself ' thing. It's not what the Bible teaches either.

I'm simply talking about breaking unhealthy habits, and taking a breather every now and then. I also need to teach myself that there is nothing selfish about treating yourself with the same care you give to others. Especially when you hit your breaking point.

You're human, it's normal to fall apart and breakdown. Ideally it's better if you don't let yourself to get to that point. So here are some of the things I do to take care of myself.

1. Nothing (okay this probably seems dumb, but by nothing I mean not letting myself do any of the million things I feel like I have to do. Sometimes you have to let yourself relax, completely. Doing this can do wonders for your mental state.)

2. Keep up with your physical health. ( I don't just mean like exercise and diet,but both of those are good too! I was lethargic all the time, turns out I was anemic and need to take iron pills. Something as simple as that can go a long way to improving your life.)

3. Do something for yourself! (Read that book you've been putting off, watch a movie you love, just do something that brings you joy)

4. Finish something (It works better if it's something that you have been putting off for a long time.)

5. Take social media breaks (It's nice to spend more time in the real world.)

6. Pamper yourself a little ( have a nice bath with bubble bars or bath bombs, face mask are super soothing.)

7. If you have a problem try to solve it instead of putting it off.

8. Go get coffee or a tea from your favorite place. (I find this always puts me in a good mood.)

9. Say no, don't commit to too many things. ( This is incredibly freeing)

10. Give yourself time (Just be easy on yourself, your not a machine)

 I hope this was a little bit helpful to someone, I'm still learning myself. Self care for me right now is binge watching Anime, so like I said probably not the right person for this.

The Highlights

This New Years, I had my first taste of champagne. I wanted to try it mainly because it was a bit of a fixture in my Snow White retelling. So I thought it would be a fun way to celebrate finishing that.

It was a disappointment, it doesn't taste how it looks. Granted it was cheap champagne. It tasted a lot like how this year went. What started as light and full of promise left me with an acrid after taste.

Not that there weren't great things about this year, but it was a difficult one for me. Every time I thought I had worked through something, I found myself worse off then before. I did a lot of healing mentally, but then I end up reverting back to bad habits.

I don't want to focus on that, I much rather talk about all the good things that happened this year.

*cough* Reylo

I am obsessed, I already started a painting.

I will cover that in another post. Maybe one dedicated to movies and tv, because there was a slew of good movies this year.

 There was also  a lot of highlights this year.

1. Meeting Skinner from the X-files, (which I know I mentioned in another post.) I actually got to talk to him for close to an hour. It was awesome, also the new season is out today and I am freaking out.

2. Did Inktober, and actually succeeded!

3. I wrote a 20,000 word retelling for the Roogle Wood Press Contest!

4. I did a lot of art, like a lot...

5. I drank exorbitant amounts of tea and coffee

6. I went dairy and wheat free

7. Lost 10 pounds

8.  Finished a lot of things that I couldn't finish for years

9. Saw my prayers get answered

10. Had a lot of late nights with good friends

11.  Laughed until my stomach hurt, cried too.

12. Learned so many life lessons and then forgot them, because that's life.

13. Realized I am surrounded by amazing supportive people.

14. Got some supplements for my anxiety and depression

15. Ate a lot of amazing food

16.  Realized I have a best friend who truly knows me, and who will always be there for me.

17. Made decisions then changed my mind about said decisions.

All in all it was a full year, lots of ups and downs. I still have no idea what I am doing, and I am running away from responsibility like Peter Pan.

Faith, trust, and pixie dust, it works guys.





  

Healing and other Dilemas

I have been having a hard time doing real posts lately. By real, I mean something that isn't a tag or etc.

Things have been good, I've been good. I was worried for awhile that I wouldn't be able to say that without lying. I can say it now. I'm scared to jinx it, or that to admit it means I'm not allowed to have bad days anymore.

I'm still overwhelmed and drowning in half done projects, deadlines, and various other things.
I have been working hard at finishing at least some of the things.

Most pressing are the two contests I am entering.

The Roogle Wood Press one has hit a bit of a snag with me. I have established the world, the characters, and stakes. I have figured out my ending and the twist with the apple. I have gotten some mixed feedback, and now I'm not sure how to write it, I guess. While its cool to see different peoples reactions to different characters, I'm at a loss of what to correct. I will sort it out... eventually.

The other contest has a 5,000 word limit which is so few words. I'm not sure if I will be able to make anything cohesive. I'm going to try.

My friend and I decided we are going to sell our art at a trade show. I have never done something like it before, and I am super nervous. It's making me step up my productivity and art game. So it's already helping I guess.

I am drowning in unread books, beta reads, and books to review.

I like being busy though so it's a good thing I guess. I am also working towards my license again, hopefully it will work out this time.

That's what I'm running on these days hope, it's most likely misplaced. I feel like being optimistic lately.

I'm wearing a smile, and it's genuine. It's small things like that, that let me know I'm healing.

Everything is still a mess, but I'm feeling good. 



 

My Depression, Social Anxiety, and Me

I have been trying to write this post for a couple weeks now. I keep deciding against it. I hate being vulnerable. I like keeping all of my problems to myself, I don't want to come off as whiny or self pitying. Especially on the internet, where to be honest it's probably better to keep it to yourself.

I don't want people to think I'm looking for sympathy. I'm not, I'm aware that there are way bigger issues out in the world. The only reason I am even writing this, is in the hopes that it helps someone. Or makes someone feel less alone. I'm not trying to do this.

I hate having these companions in life with me. The depression kind of  goes in and out of my life, but the anxiety is a constant. It's strange because I never really acknowledged the anxiety for what it was until this year. I kept thinking if I just kept pushing myself, I would overcome it.

I do this with everything.
 Except this time it didn't work. In fact since I hit maybe eighteen, my anxiety especially in regards to social things has only gotten worse.

I used to do things, go places, hang out. I guess I fell out of step, everyone started dating and partying, since I wasn't interested I became irrelevant. I hung out at home, I read, watched tv shows, drank obscene amounts of coffee. They lost interest in me and I in turn with them.

 It's strange but even if you mind your own business and never say anything to anyone else about how they should live their life. They are still going to tell you what you are doing is wrong. Unasked for opinions make up about 80% of my interactions with people, which of course only doubles my anxiety, and steamrolls whatever confidence or self esteem I built up.

I keep trying though, I hang out with toxic people for the sake of hanging out, I let people use me. I let someone mistreat me for four months, and still took the blame for most of it. It's sad for never being in a relationship, I already have a lot of trust issues. I know my anxiety doesn't help with this, because it makes me suspicious of people. So this leads to a different issue.

 Actually not entirely accurate, I have friends, I have some really good true friends. Except none of them live near me. So I can feel pretty alone the average week. That feeling sucks, I have a great family they're supportive and as understanding as two parents 'who didn't have these issues when they were younger' can be.

They have sympathy, but they don't understand. It's being misunderstood that allows the depression to get it's claws in me. Having anxiety on an average day sucks, having depression sucks. Having both is a nightmare.

Suddenly normal,everyday things are impossible. Your world is black and white, you stay in bed, you push people away, you disconnect. You need to recuperate after hours of doing nothing, your brain runs off the tracks. It's not romantic, it's not aesthetic and it's not fun.

The only thing that gets me through the rough patches is God. I have come to rely on him for everything, which is the only good side to these mental afflictions. I pray, I read his word, and I breathe. I let him carry me through the storm and he has gotten me through every single one.

You don't come out cured and you don't come out unscathed. Some days I feel broken.

I hate feeling abnormal, having to justify everything I think or feel. I hate the way I overthink and analyze situations. I hate that my natural state is stressed. There are days when I crave the elusive nonexistent beast that is normalcy.

I know it doesn't exist, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it.

My social anxiety cripples me, because it goes unseen. I can probably carry on a forty-five minute conversation with you and you would think I was an extrovert. I can play along, I paste a megawatt smile on my face. Inside I am a mess, a big part of my anxiety lies in the fact that I hide it. It's only later that I go over it in my head, and decide you were probably only talking to me to be nice. I am also super annoying.

It's affecting so many things in my life, it's so much more than not wanting to answer the phone. It's fighting your mind, it's rehearsing your words before a conversation. It's being plagued by the constant fear that your doing something wrong.

You become hyper aware of yourself. Your breathing, walking, and even sweating. Which leads to being super insecure, and not wanting to go out. It's a vicious cycle, but I fight through it. I make a point of doing things, that I really don't want to do.

It's a process. Every time I take a step forward, I feel like I fall back at least three steps.

It sucks, but I keep trying.

... I have no idea how to end this so.....