I have been trying to write this post for a couple weeks now. I keep deciding against it. I hate being vulnerable. I like keeping all of my problems to myself, I don't want to come off as whiny or self pitying. Especially on the internet, where to be honest it's probably better to keep it to yourself.
I don't want people to think I'm looking for sympathy. I'm not, I'm aware that there are way bigger issues out in the world. The only reason I am even writing this, is in the hopes that it helps someone. Or makes someone feel less alone. I'm not trying to do this.
I hate having these companions in life with me. The depression kind of goes in and out of my life, but the anxiety is a constant. It's strange because I never really acknowledged the anxiety for what it was until this year. I kept thinking if I just kept pushing myself, I would overcome it.
I do this with everything.
Except this time it didn't work. In fact since I hit maybe eighteen, my anxiety especially in regards to social things has only gotten worse.
I used to do things, go places, hang out. I guess I fell out of step, everyone started dating and partying, since I wasn't interested I became irrelevant. I hung out at home, I read, watched tv shows, drank obscene amounts of coffee. They lost interest in me and I in turn with them.
It's strange but even if you mind your own business and never say anything to anyone else about how they should live their life. They are still going to tell you what you are doing is wrong. Unasked for opinions make up about 80% of my interactions with people, which of course only doubles my anxiety, and steamrolls whatever confidence or self esteem I built up.
I keep trying though, I hang out with toxic people for the sake of hanging out, I let people use me. I let someone mistreat me for four months, and still took the blame for most of it. It's sad for never being in a relationship, I already have a lot of trust issues. I know my anxiety doesn't help with this, because it makes me suspicious of people. So this leads to a different issue.
Actually not entirely accurate, I have friends, I have some really good true friends. Except none of them live near me. So I can feel pretty alone the average week. That feeling sucks, I have a great family they're supportive and as understanding as two parents 'who didn't have these issues when they were younger' can be.
They have sympathy, but they don't understand. It's being misunderstood that allows the depression to get it's claws in me. Having anxiety on an average day sucks, having depression sucks. Having both is a nightmare.
Suddenly normal,everyday things are impossible. Your world is black and white, you stay in bed, you push people away, you disconnect. You need to recuperate after hours of doing nothing, your brain runs off the tracks. It's not romantic, it's not aesthetic and it's not fun.
The only thing that gets me through the rough patches is God. I have come to rely on him for everything, which is the only good side to these mental afflictions. I pray, I read his word, and I breathe. I let him carry me through the storm and he has gotten me through every single one.
You don't come out cured and you don't come out unscathed. Some days I feel broken.
I hate feeling abnormal, having to justify everything I think or feel. I hate the way I overthink and analyze situations. I hate that my natural state is stressed. There are days when I crave the elusive nonexistent beast that is normalcy.
I know it doesn't exist, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it.
My social anxiety cripples me, because it goes unseen. I can probably carry on a forty-five minute conversation with you and you would think I was an extrovert. I can play along, I paste a megawatt smile on my face. Inside I am a mess, a big part of my anxiety lies in the fact that I hide it. It's only later that I go over it in my head, and decide you were probably only talking to me to be nice. I am also super annoying.
It's affecting so many things in my life, it's so much more than not wanting to answer the phone. It's fighting your mind, it's rehearsing your words before a conversation. It's being plagued by the constant fear that your doing something wrong.
You become hyper aware of yourself. Your breathing, walking, and even sweating. Which leads to being super insecure, and not wanting to go out. It's a vicious cycle, but I fight through it. I make a point of doing things, that I really don't want to do.
It's a process. Every time I take a step forward, I feel like I fall back at least three steps.
It sucks, but I keep trying.
... I have no idea how to end this so.....
